when girls think they are better than other girls because they are tomboys who engage in stereotypically “male” activities it makes me want to actually gouge my own eyes out because they are pretty much reinforcing the patriarchal idea that men are better than women without even realizing it and that is just incredibly sad
Its funny how i will never know anything. Everything you think you know, every truth or fact you’re told, hey, guess what? NO ONE REALLY FUCKING KNOWS. where do we go when we die? is this the right life decision? is gluten really that bad for you? fucking nothing, its all opinion, its all speculation, someones right and someones wrong but you will never know which is which. You paint your own reality. If you think its true, you MAKE it true. It may not actually be, but sometimes, if it is to you, thats enough. That doesnt make shit any less confusing… So many times in the past, i’ve thought, hey, this is definitely the right thing. and then i’m like fuckfuckfuck no its not, i was wrong, THIS is right. So how can i trust anything that goes through my fucking brain?? it doesnt seem like i can. I’m so caught up and messed up by this thought, that i will never know whats right and wrong and i’m just floating around doing things that seem okay but looking back on my past thats just a fucking war zone of fuck ups, and i know they brought me here, and here is good, and theres no use in thinking about the past anyway, right? right. nothing can be done now. i dont suppose i’d use a time machine if they were real anyway. Its just rough. I dont think a lot of people worry about this the way i do. But its kinda important to me? and then i take a step back and i’m like uh no actually nothing is important. at all. and then thats depressing. but i dont actually believe that. i believe in some weird cosmic shit. and i believe things happen for a reason. and i know in believing that, i cant be selective with what that applies to. and i definitely never believed in soulmates, that seemed ridiculous, but i also used to not believe in a lot of things that i believe in now, and not believe a lot of things i DO believe now. and i bet those will change some day too. who knows! but after meeting you, i had no doubt in my heart that you and i went together. in some way beyond this world, our comprehension. i cant explain it. but the same thing happened to you. and that made it even more real. two strangers who definitely dont believe in soul mates meet and a week later had both separately decided that we were two halves of the same whole. and it didnt even seem silly, it seemed like the most normal, natural thing in the world. and i have never since then, over a year ago now, doubted that to be true. i’ve known you in past lives, i know you so well, i long to be with you spiritually and physically. but i didnt honor that relationship, i figured youd be around forever anyway, i figured i would never REALLY lose you… i pushed my limits and pushed you far away. and it DOES fucking hurt. i’m moving on with my life but i cant move on from you. i dont want to, i dont think its right. i cant convince myself now that i was wrong. i wonder if thats what you did. and maybe we were never supposed to be together. and thats okay too. but i want you in my life… i care for you so much and to get nothing in return, sucks. i’m used to it so its alright. i tried to move on, to be open to new people, i honestly tried. and nothing about it felt right. i cant trick myself into thinking its okay to be with someone while i’m in love with someone else anymore. lord knows i used to. and how miserable i made it, for me and for those with me, those nights i spent drunk in my bed with one person, sobbing about the one who wouldnt be there. never again. i already played it too close to that.
and how lovely it would be to move on and be happy with another deserving individual. a large part of me wants that. i’m not concerned with it at all, now, but damn, it gets lonely. how long its been since i’ve even kissed someone… i probably havent gone this long since i was like 13 years old. i just cant find it in me to do anything superficial. now i know how fucking deeply i am able to feel connected to someone, i’m afraid its going to be exceedingly difficult to get back into that. no one is going to be good enough, you know that? the last person i dated, loved more than anything, thought i would probably marry- and i left him in a week of meeting you. i was over a two year relationship in a month, and i still cant get you out of my head, 4 months after we stopped trying. i know i couldnt even be with you right now, but i still wish i could. i wish you at least wanted it. or were even open to the possibility. i’m just terrified of being old and alone because i cant settle for some nice person, who has all these attractive traits and qualities. if the spark isnt there, its not there. i need to feel a real something. and i hate to say it but i just highly doubt i’m gonna find that again, any time soon, at least. i feel like what we had was very rare, and i had to be true to myself and fuck that completely up. i always said my worst fear was losing you, well, here i am. i’m done with the sadness part, i dont even know where i am. still seeing signs the universe sends me about you, everywhere, all the time. you’ve taken up residence in my dreams, and i dont mind. i still sometimes mentally beam you. i see you online late at night, same as me, insomniac olympics. i wonder what you think about so late, for me its always you. i hardly know you at all anymore, and its strange, i feel like i’ve lost some of myself. i feel like me, but a little less bright. sometimes i feel just wrong. it may be a side effect of being human, but sometimes i suspect it is a little more. i’m going to have to stop comparing people to you if i ever want anything to work. because i dont believe in love that isnt just electric and submersive. i dont want to ever play it safe, in love. i want to talk to someone until the sun rises, asking questions about them that i already know the answer to, because they are my answers as well. i wish i could relive the days in which we got to know each other, those were the most amazing, mind blowing moments of my life. i literally felt as if i’d woken up on a different planet. i miss feeling so fucking alive. i’ve never felt as alive and connected to everything as when i was with you. and i’ve lost you, maybe forever. i hope not. i wish i could tell you all these things, but i’m afraid of what you’ll say. so i’ll say them to the entire world, and still no one will read this.
but if you are reading this, i still love you.
I still love you, and not in a way that hurts anymore. I don’t hurt because I don’t get to be with you. The time I’m taking for myself is the most important thing, it is top priority. I couldn’t be with you right now. and that helps, knowing that we both cant be together.
I still love you, because I want to, because its there. Not because you come around all the time. Not because you do anything special. But i’m not going to force myself to suffocate my true feelings so I don’t hurt. Every time we make eye contact, I mean, Jesus Christ its just eye contact. but the sense of familiarity I feel is overwhelming and unmistakeable. Like the first time we held hands, do you remember how just plain strange that was? who does that? we both felt it and we were shocked. I know that feeling is still around. its not even chemistry, its something I don’t know a word for.
I just feel like giving up would be such a big regret in my life later. I’m not actively in pursuit of anything, but I need to let myself admit this is how it is and i’m not scared or ashamed about it. if its meant to be, it will be.